


Wanting You Back

by marmolita



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, Missing Scene, Psychic Bond, Sexual Fantasy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:00:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marmolita/pseuds/marmolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The day after Columbia finally leaves space dock, the engine is running smoothly and the pace of work in engineering finally slows down.  On the one hand it's good, because Trip has barely slept since he got on board and his staff is exhausted and angry with him after too many double and triple shifts.  On the other hand it means that he has time to think, and the last thing Trip wants to do is think.</i>
</p>
<p>Trip's experiences during Affliction/Divergence/Bound.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wanting You Back

**Author's Note:**

> Contains spoilers through Bound.

The day after Columbia finally leaves space dock, the engine is running smoothly and the pace of work in engineering finally slows down. On the one hand it's good, because Trip has barely slept since he got on board and his staff is exhausted and angry with him after too many double and triple shifts. On the other hand it means that he has time to think, and the last thing Trip wants to do is think.

To make matters worse, he's having one of those days where everything makes him think of sex, and he realizes it's been too long since the last time he took care of his body's needs. His shift seems to drag on as he tries to focus on work and avoid thinking about anything else. When he finally gets back to his quarters, he strips down and gets in the shower. He tells himself he's not going to think about T'Pol while he jerks off, and as he soaps up his hands and slides them down his stomach he tries to remember what he used to fantasize about. It's been a struggle ever since she married Koss to stop thinking about her; he's always ended up doing it anyway and feeling terrible about it. Maybe it's his way of punishing himself for ever getting involved with her in the first place.

Columbia is supposed to be a new start for him though, a place he can leave behind his mess of feelings about T'Pol and focus on the real reason he joined up with Starfleet in the first place. So he tries to remember his last girlfriend, Natalie from Pensacola -- nobody could be more different from T'Pol. Natalie had an easy smile and a loud laugh, thick curly hair and green eyes that were striking against her dark skin, a legacy of generations of Creole ancestors. She was an architect; Lizzie had introduced them when he'd come along to her office holiday party. She was outgoing and friendly and teased Trip mercilessly about the stories of their childhood Lizzie always let slip.

Right now, though, he tries to remember what it was like to have sex with Natalie. He thinks back to that time they drove out to Chatkin Point and had sex for the first time, when they kissed for what felt like hours in the moonlight before ending up in the back seat, struggling to get their clothes off in the cramped space. Natalie's breasts were soft and round, bigger than T'Pol's--

She'd ended up sitting in his lap in the car, riding him, hot and sweaty in the humid Florida summer. Trip grips himself firmly with his soapy hand and remembers how Natalie's hips had felt under his fingers, curvy and fleshier than T'Pol's--

He bites the inside of his cheek and tries to focus on Natalie but all he can think of is how different she was from T'Pol, how Natalie had loved to suck cock and he had never managed to get up the nerve to ask T'Pol to do it, but he'd thought about it, long and hard, and he could just imagine her lips wrapped around him, letting his fingers come down to touch the points of her ears, her tongue pressing against him--

The fantasy is so strong it feels like it's actually happening, that T'Pol is there with him, pushing him back against the wall of the shower, holding his hips steady with one hand while she goes down on him. He imagines that he knows somehow how much she enjoys having him squirm in her grip, hips helplessly trying to thrust but unable to. How much she enjoys bringing him to the edge and leaving him there, how if he ever asked about it she'd probably tell him something about learning to control himself. In his fantasy her mouth is on him and he's so close, so close, but she pulls away and stands up because she wants him to fuck her. He turns them around and lifts her up against the wall of the shower, sliding inside her and feeling her clench around him. It's the most vivid fantasy he's ever had in his life; he can taste T'Pol's skin and hear her breath in his ear, and he gives her what she wants, what they both want, slamming into her over and over again, until everything explodes in his mind and he's left standing alone in his shower with his hand on his dick, weak enough in the knees that he sinks down to the floor.

Damn it, he wasn't going to think about T'Pol, because as much as he'd like to believe he's getting over her he knows he's not. Imagining how good things could be between them just makes him feel her absence more strongly, makes the knife in his gut twist a little harder. It's not just about sex, it's everything -- it's going to the bridge or engineering and not having her there to nitpick his work, it's eating in the mess hall and not being able to tease her about her food choices, it's sitting alone in his quarters, remembering how they used to talk about the warp drive during neuropressure sessions and how he always tried to draw her out into letting slip some detail of her childhood she'd never told him before.

Strange how the water from the shower dripping down his face suddenly tastes salty.

***

It's been two days since Trip had a bizarre daydream about T'Pol complaining he was interrupting her meditation. He's tried not to dwell on why he'd imagine something like that, because he's still trying to avoid thinking about her whenever possible. In fact, he's just made it through a whole shift without thinking about her even once, when all of a sudden he's assaulted by a mental image of kissing her, her hands twining in his hair and her mouth eager and insistent.

He shakes his head to clear it and continues on his way to the mess hall. Halfway through his meal it happens again -- this time she's naked and he's kissing her stomach, his hands on her breasts rolling her nipples between his fingers. Trip blinks, swallows the bite of meatloaf in his mouth, and looks at his dinner, confused. This isn't him, he's not thinking about this, so what--?

It happens again when he's back in his quarters, a sudden image of T'Pol pushing him back onto the floor and straddling his face, and even though he can't see it in her expression he knows how much she wants this and how much she wants him. The thought is so arousing he's instantly hard, and instead of trying to dismiss the daydream he lays back on his bed, unzips his uniform, and dives into it.

***

When Captain Archer asks him to help out, Trip agrees, but spends the time it takes Columbia to catch up to Enterprise mentally preparing to see T'Pol again. His active fantasy life isn't helping him get over her, so all he can really do is build up walls around himself to lock his feelings away. It's something a Vulcan would do and that's so ironic he has to laugh about it. Still, as much as he thinks he's ready, he's surprised by the electric shock of emotions when he sees her again. The only thing that helps is the fact that Enterprise is going to come apart at the seams if he doesn't get the job done, and he's always been able to focus on the engine.

When she asks him, later, how he's adjusting to life on Columbia, he lies.

***

Being on Enterprise again feels different than before, and not just because Kelby is pissed off at him. T'Pol pretends that everything is fine between them but she's walking on eggshells around him every time their conversation strays from the job at hand. She's trying to act like she doesn't feel anything but he knows she's putting a lot of effort into it -- as much as T'Pol would hate to admit it, Trip knows her better than anyone else on this ship. He doesn't want to spend too much time thinking about what she might be feeling though because whenever they're together Trip is practically overpowered by his own conflicted emotions, and when he goes back to his quarters at night his fantasies are stronger than ever.

It's embarrassing that he can't help himself, that her quarters are just a few rooms down the hall and he's jerking off almost every night thinking about her. The fantasies are so powerful though, so real, and in his mind he knows exactly how to please her and exactly how much she wants him. It's almost better than actually being with her had been, because he doesn't have to guess what she's thinking or feeling or what she likes and doesn't like. Every night that he has these vivid fantasies, he can't help blushing when he sees her the next morning, and she often acts just as awkward as he feels.

Still, there is something comforting about being back on Enterprise, something in the hum of the warp core and the cadence of chatter in the mess hall, something in the familiarity of his mattress and in the way T'Pol seems to genuinely appreciate his help on a professional level. Despite their personal discomfort, they've actually been working together extremely well. He's almost ashamed of himself for running away from this -- almost. What he's more ashamed of is that the more he works with Kelby, the more he realizes that Kelby isn't ready to be chief engineer. Running away is one thing, but running away and leaving Enterprise in the lurch is another thing entirely, so he contacts Captain Hernandez and requests a transfer back.

***

Trip Tucker is not a stupid man. He can put two and two together; when T'Pol first asks him about unusual daydreams, he begins to assemble the puzzle. When she mentions psychic bonds the pieces snap into place.

At first, the thought is somewhat terrifying. Has she been able to read his thoughts? How much does she know? If they're not together, how can they have a psychic bond? What the hell does it even mean for a Vulcan to "mate?" It can't just be sex, because these daydreams are new and they haven't had sex in months. He definitely didn't have any kind of psychic connection to her after the first time they had sex. So what was "mating" and when did they do it? Is the bond permanent?

After a while, he realizes a psychic bond must go in two directions, and he turns the questions around. All those intrusive fantasies he thought were the product of a mix of overactive hormones and loneliness -- maybe they weren't actually his own fantasies at all. Maybe all those times he was suddenly plunged into vivid, wistful memories, it was a projection of T'Pol's thoughts. If that's actually the case, it must mean--

It must mean she still has feelings for him. It must mean she wants him back as much as he wants her back, despite all the odds against them.

When he returns to the bridge after getting the Orion women safely off the ship, Trip pays more attention to the jumble of feelings he has when he sees T'Pol. Together, they carry the Captain to sickbay, then come back for Travis. The connection between them is like the humming of the warp core -- it's something that's constantly there, but it blends into the background so easily that you almost don't notice it at all. Now that he's looking for it, though, he can find it easily. He can find _her_ easily, lingering at the edges of his consciousness, present even when they're not physically together.

Trip is confident that she still has feelings for him based on what he thinks he can sense through their bond, but he's so new to all this psychic business that he won't really believe it until he hears her say it. That's why when he's heading back to Columbia and T'Pol starts to come up with excuses for him to stay on Enterprise, Trip takes his chance and says, "Why don't you say it?"

"Say what?" she asks, though he knows she's just feigning ignorance.

"That you want me to come back."

"I believe I did." She considers him with the expression that she makes when she doesn't want to admit to something out loud because it would mean admitting she has feelings, so instead she just waits until he says it for her and then doesn't deny it. When he waits for her to continue, she adds, "I think your presence here would be extremely beneficial to our operations."

"No," he says, "that _you_ want me back." Not that she wants him to come back to Enterprise, but that she _wants him back_.

"I don't know what you mean," T'Pol says, and he knows she's lying, he _knows_ it, but if she can't admit that she wants him then he might as well give up on her anyway.

"My mistake," he says angrily. "See you around."

He heads for the door, and is almost there when she finally says, "Wait, Trip." He stops and turns to face her. "I want you to come back." It's not quite "I want you back" but it's close.

He's still angry though so he says, "Then I'll think about it," and starts walking again.

"Trip!" She comes after him, and reaches for him at the same moment he turns toward her, pulling him down and kissing him hard. _This_ is what he wants, what he needs, for her to show him her feelings and be honest with him. T'Pol may not be able to say it out loud but she's trying, she's doing as much as her Vulcan nature will allow her, and Trip has to be content with what she's able to give him.

For now, it's enough.

***

Serving out his time on Columbia before his transfer goes through isn't bad at all. Not when he knows every time he thinks about her T'Pol is there, feeling him. Not when he knows that every time he lays in his bed at night and imagines her being with him, she _is_ there with him, in spirit if not in body.

Trip spends a lot of time on Columbia fantasizing about the first time he's going to get T'Pol alone when he gets back to Enterprise. He's never looked forward to something so much in his life.


End file.
